Season 2, Episode 3 of New Girl is titled “Fluffer,” and without getting into the details, it reminds me that I ended two friendships for the same “fluffer” reason, I just didn’t know there was a name for it.
Had my first nightmare in many years, and woke up crying. I had just been told that one of my favorite people on Earth had died, and I was being told over the phone how it happened.
The short story is that there had been a bad storm, and trees and power lines were down. Two friends were driving on Bardstown Road, and they were side-swiped by a yellow car that presumably kept going (as a hit-and-run). Nobody was hurt at that point, but the two people got out of the vehicle to inspect the damage to their car, and that’s when the death occurred.
I don’t know how it happened, because in my dream I was starting to lose the phone connection, but I assume they were hit after they got out of the vehicle.
Me think, “What is friend?”
Last year Friend #1 died, so I ended up staying at Friend #2’s house. When I woke up she was already out of the house, so I started to walk to the coffee maker to make some coffee. At that moment Friend #3 called. I looked at the coffee maker for a moment, then thought, “It will wait a few moments,” so I turned around, picked up the phone, and found a quiet spot to sit down.
At one point I started talking about something and #3 said, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I just woke up, so I kinda cleared my throat and started talking louder. We had a good, honest conversation, the kind you only have when it’s late at night and people are tired and maybe have a little liquid courage and speak from the heart, or in this case that raw time right after someone has died.
When I was watching a show just now with two dead guys talking to each other I remembered that conversation, and also remembered that I never did get that cup of coffee.
Some people come into your life and even if they don’t stay in it for long, they make an impact that changes you forever. Happy birthday to two people this month, one who made my life miserable, and another who made it wonderful.
I am without form, without limit
Beyond space, beyond time
I am in everything, everything is in me
I am the bliss of the universe
Everywhere am I.
~ Ram Kir
A friend of mine was a devout yoga practitioner, and even studied under B.K.S. Iyengar. Right before she passed away, she began to cry tears of joy, and said, “All is one, all is one.”
I meditated last night until I started falling asleep. I kept trying to fight through the sleepiness, but it was to no avail.
I got up, went to bed, and almost immediately had one of those “You’re not Al, you’re somebody else” dream or dream-like experiences (like when Captain Picard went unconscious on the bridge and lived another life). After a long period of time I woke up in a bed with tears streaming down my cheeks because of what had just happened. (A friend died in my arms.) I sat up, looked around, but couldn’t figure out who or where I was. With my body/brain/mind rejecting the situation, I barfed into the trash can by the bedside. I was glad someone put that there.
After somewhere between thirty and ninety seconds I remembered who/where I am. With my body shaking as usual after one of these experiences, and not wanting to go back to sleep, I bundled up and went for a long, cold, after-midnight November walk. The clear sky was beautiful, and I was glad to be alive, even if I felt like crap. I made a note to myself that I need to take midnight walks more often, I appreciate the solitude.
~ November 12, 2015
A friend of mine was killed in an accident last week, and I went to his wake and funeral this weekend. During the funeral I realized I've owned the company for ten years now, and between my friends and family there have been ten deaths during that time.
I sent another email to my friend a little while ago, and as I think about it, this part sums up my feelings at the moment very well:
The weird part about owning a biz is that you can't just leave. Well, you can, but you'd have to forfeit a lot of money, which I don't want to do. So the next step is working out an agreeable exit for me, either with the current partners, or an outside entity who would either want to (a) buy the entire company, (b) buy just my shares, or (c) buy a portion of my shares while the current partners buy the other shares.
After writing that last entry, I wrote a long-time friend of mine to tell him of my "decision", and how I feel. Here's part of what I wrote:
I haven't been able to make any strides towards growing the company, and frankly, every day I have to psych myself into thinking I want to be there.
I don't know if it makes any sense, but I actually "quit" in my mind on the drive home, and just that thought of quitting has given me an incredible buzz.
Here are a few excerpts from his reply: