The stuff I post on Facebook: A trip to Dunkin' Donuts

(In case you ever wonder what I post for my friends on Facebook, the posts often look like this. It may be helpful to know before reading it that I’m known to have a bit of a donut addiction.)

Person behind the counter at Dunkin’ Donuts: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I’d like two donuts.”

“Two donuts?”

“Yes, four donuts.”

“Four donuts? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said ‘two’. Will that be all?”

“You know what, I really don’t like the number four. It’s kind of harsh with all those straight lines. Make it six. Six donuts.”

“A half dozen? Yes sir, let me just see if I can find a small box ...”

“If all you have are large boxes, that’s fine, just make it a dozen.”

“A dozen donuts. Okay, that will be $7.99 plus tax ...”

“Hey, you know what, all I have is a $20 bill, so just go ahead and give me $20 worth of donuts. Say, do you have any of those donut holes?”

“You want $20 worth of donuts?”

“Yes, but that’s all I have. Oh, wait, I have 42 cents, too. I’d like $20.42 worth of donuts. That’s what I’d like. Do you have a quantity discount?”

“Um, no sir, I’m afraid not.”

“How about AAA? I have a AAA card.”

“No sir, I’m sorry, we don’t take those.”

“I got a Gold AAA when my car died in New Mexico last month. You should take those, it’d be good for business.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ll be sure to mention that to my manager. Now just give me a few moments, this is a bigger order ...”

“If you need some help I could come around and help you ...”

“No sir, please stay on your side of the counter.”

“Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Do you need a bigger box? I have some moving boxes out in the car. I’m getting ready to move to a new apartment ...”

“No sir, we have plenty of boxes. Sir, are you okay? It looks like you’re shaking.”

“No, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m just a little excited. Listen, here’s my money, I’m putting it down on the counter, could you just pass me one of those donuts while I’m waiting?”

“Any special one?”

“No, any of them is fine. The chocolate one,” I point. “Chocolate glazed. Yes, that one, that one, that one, just pass it over here. Thank you.” Om nom nom nom ...