Posts in the “personal” category

The Washington Post has a touching story titled, What schizophrenia does to families.

Now this mountain I must climb,
Feels like the world upon my shoulders.

Through the clouds I see love shine,
It keeps me warm as life grows colder.

~ from the song, I Want to Know What Love Is, by Foreigner

If you’re into streaks and records, last night (January 17-18, 2020), was the first time I slept without pain since November 3, 2019 (thanks to the pericarditis and subsequent angiogram). I have no doubt that I snored a good snore. :)

Day 3: Yesterday I had way too much energy, but today’s mood is frustration, agitation, and impatience. Like this meeting tonight, I am not in the mood to be here. The part I hate is that I can’t be comfortable and happy with the people here. We’re all interested in the same thing (finally, people I can relate to!), and they’re all open and supportive. I hate that about myself.

Day 4: Arghh. I have way too much anger (rage!) right now. Everything here is so damn vague and the answers are #!$@ elusive. I just need to get out of this gathering and hit something. What am I really angry at? Where is this coming from?

Day 5: I would have left yesterday if it wasn’t for C stopping me at my car. I don’t know if she knew that she stopped me, but she did. Evening: Long talk with P. She spoke of giving fifteen years to her family, and while she doesn’t regret it, she expressed some remorse at giving up her career. But tonight she was dancing, and said I looked much happier.

Day 6: Last day. Long goodbyes with everyone, including C, I, F, J, N, and more. Asked N about something that happened last night at the rock, and she said I was very fortunate, it’s very rare. Leaving here is hard, it feels like graduating high school, knowing you’ll never see these people again who have been friends through all of this. I’m so grateful that C stopped me from leaving. Lots of tears all around.

(A few notes from a retreat I went on in 2006. I wrote a lot that week, and some of the notes get very personal, and it’s time to shred those, but I thought I’d share a few here.)

Just when Margaret thought Frank was going to say something else ...

This won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but Sri Argala Stotram by Krishna Das is the prettiest song I’ve heard in a long time, and I didn’t even understand the first two-thirds of it.

Back on November 12, 2019, a Twitter user named Jomboy demonstrates how the Houston Astros were stealing signs against the lowly Chicago White Sox in a 2017 game. The interesting part here is that nobody was on second base, this video seems to show that they were stealing the signs from the catcher to the pitcher using the center field video feed.

“Thoughts are not facts.”

~ A quote from a local psychologist on the radio.

It seems that people who worry, worry about thoughts, not reality. I remember worrying a few years ago about doing a dance at a wedding, and in the end the reality was that I never had the chance to dance. What a waste of time that worry was.

Here’s a little lesson on empathy, from the movie 13 Going on 30.

“A lot of people think that, if you’re writing about something, it’s because you’re an expert on the topic and want to impart your expertise. But sometimes you’re writing about it as part of your attempt to immerse yourself in it and understand it.”

~ Sharon Salzberg, in this discussion with Rosanne Cash

I guess I was just naive when I saw politicians lie on one media outlet and then apologize on another. I never realized it was a formula intended to pander to each audience. I miss the days when George Washington couldn’t lie about chopping down a cherry tree.

~ tweet from Garry Kasparov on Twitter

One thing that’s changed for me in the last year is that I’ve become a little less interested in what spiritual leaders have to say, and more interested in what spiritual laymen have to say. Don’t get me wrong, leaders are great in many ways, but they don’t have bills to pay, and don’t have spouses or children. I’m far more interested in what a spiritual person has to say when they’re in the midst of struggling to pay their bills, and they have jobs, spouses, children, and neighbors.

I was reminded of this recently when I saw a headline about Charlie Munger giving advice on how to be happy. I’ve read a lot of Charlie Munger quotes and he seems like a very nice person, but he’s been a billionaire for decades, and that skews your thinking. Based on my own experience, when you have a lot of money and you don’t have to worry about your health, paying your bills, noisy neighbors, or family problems, life is easy, so your advice is tainted. These days I’ll take “advice on happiness” from someone who is truly happy while living in the midst of the muck. In retrospect, this feeling is one thing that drew me to Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning when I was still a teenager.

I think one should hear bells. :)

(“Jones” in this story eventually heard bells himself.)

As a guy who’s been unconscious seven times and had ten operations, I like this, “You have one life” quote. Take it from me, when your lights go out, one of the main thoughts you’ll have is, “I wish I had done <fill in the blank>.”

(The quote appears to be by Beardsley Jones, and the image was put together by tinybuddha.com.)

December 5, 2018: After the operation in July I just got back to a 160 pound bench press and practicing yoga every night. After operation #8 tomorrow I won’t be able to exercise for six weeks. You just gotta keep coming back, keep fighting.

(I share the full quote from the movie Rocky Balboa at this link.)

I was talking to a doctor yesterday about Pericarditis and he said that one possible result could be catastrophic. I was well aware of that possibility, but I thought it was an unusual word for a doctor to use.

That being said, it does sound more powerful than you could die. A lot of people say, “You could die doing <fill in the blank>,” so maybe that phrase has lost some power, where “catastrophic” isn’t used that often to talk about one’s health.

With a little downtime following the pericarditis and subsequent angiogram, I’ve been working on my Grandma’s cookies recipe. They’re not there yet, but they’re getting closer. :)

Thanks to some ongoing abdominal pain from my colectomy surgery back in June, I’ve learned what a Trocar device is. Per Wikipedia (and also my surgeon), “Trocars are placed through the abdomen during laparoscopic surgery. The trocar functions as a portal for the subsequent placement of other instruments, such as graspers, scissors, staplers, etc.”

I have pain in the spot where a trocar device was placed, and the theory is that’s because of a combination of scar tissue and a nerve in that area. A backup possibility is that I may have a hernia in that spot, though the surgeon thinks that’s unlikely. I’ll be having a CT scan soon to see if that shows what’s going on.

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel all this pain
Stuffed it down

It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone

I can’t mend

~ From the song Outside, by Staind

Back in the day, high school was boring for me, and probably even before my parents were separated I decided to take as many days off from school as I could. A few days ago when I was rearranging my furniture I ran across my high school yearbook, where I found several inscriptions like this one, alluding to the fact that I wasn’t there very often, but I made class interesting when I was there. ;)

January, 2020 update: I read that the girl who wrote this passed away a few weeks ago.