Posts in the “personal” category

Attachment is what keeps you stuck in your limited reality.

~ Ram Dass

If you don’t appreciate me, that’s YOUR problem.

If I need your love or approval, that’s MY problem. Then my needs are giving you power over me.

~ Ram Dass

I watched Cloud Atlas over the last few nights. It’s a long but good movie, with six sub-stories that occur over a span of hundreds of years, where you get to see the ripple of good deeds over time. (Or at least that’s one interpretation of the movie.)

As I mentioned yesterday, I had an MRI recently, and the doctors noted that there is a lack of blood flow to three “deep white matter” locations. I think the three white spots in the middle/top of this MRI image are what they’re referring to, but I don’t know for sure yet. What I have learned is that the “gray matter” is on the outside of the brain, and the white matter is on the inside.

I have no idea how it works, but every once in a while you’ll have dreams that come true. For example, a few years ago one of my nieces got married, and even though I didn’t go to the wedding, two nights before the wedding I had a dream of a photo that was taken, and what I saw in the dream was exactly the same as the photo, even though I have never been to the place where they were married or seen photos of the place.

(Actually there was a difference: On the far side of each row of people I saw some relatives who passed away many years ago. They were also dressed in suits and dresses.)

Then a few weeks ago I had a dream that Dr. Ruth passed away, so when I saw that she actually passed away on July 12, 2024, I asked my wife, “Didn’t you tell me that Dr. Ruth died a few weeks ago?” She said no, she didn’t say anything like that, and then I remembered that that happened in a dream.

This doesn’t happen very often, but I used to make a note of such things because I thought it was fascinating. These are just two that I can remember off the top of my head.

Just for now,
Without asking how,
Let yourself sink into stillness.

Just for now, lay down the weight
You so patiently bear upon your shoulders.

Feel the earth receive you,
And the infinite expanse of the sky grow even wider,
As your awareness reaches up to meet it.

Just for now,
Allow a wave of breath to enliven your experience.

Breathe out whatever blocks you from the truth.

Just for now,
Be boundless, free,
With awakened energy tingling in your hands and feet.

Drink in the possibility,
Of being who and what you really are,
So fully alive that the world looks different,
Newly born and vibrant,
Just for now.

Notes

This is a poem by Danna Faulds that a friend shared on Facebook. I don’t know what book of hers it’s in, but it sounds like it might be in a book titled, Go In and In: Poems From the Heart of Yoga.

Before she passed away, my yoga teacher used to say things just like this, including:

• Just for now ... (followed by other words that inspired her that week)
• Put it all down
• Let it all go
• Relax
• Breathe

She also said something very similar to “Feel the Earth receive you,” though I can’t remember her exact phrase at the moment.

This is my interpretation of the meaning of the Alanis Morissette song, Thank You (also known as Thank U). I don’t claim any special knowledge about the song; this interpretation of the lyrics is just based on my understanding of Zen, Buddhism, and also my practicing of yoga, specifically Iyengar yoga. If you’ve read some of the personal and Zen entries on this website about yoga, mindfulness, meditation, and Zen, you know a lot of what I know.

Sister 1: “What about that cute guy I met? Condom Man.”

Sister 2: “Yes, that’s how he likes to be known.”

Sister 3: “Condom Man? Sounds like a superhero.”

~ from the movie, Must Love Dogs

Two sisters talking in the movie, Must Love Dogs:

“So can I ask you a question?”

“No.”

“You never would have left Kevin, would you?”

“If he hadn’t ... left me? No, I don’t think so.”

“But you weren’t really happy.”

“Well, I figured that was the life I picked, so I had to make the most of it. I’m not even sure I deserve a new life now. Sometimes I think that was supposed to be my one chance and I blew it.”

“Where did we get the bad attitudes?”

“The nuns?”

“Yeah, that works. Let’s blame the nuns.”

“Okay, well, here’s my story, here’s what you need to know. I’m just divorced and I had my heart broken badly by a woman that I really loved. But I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you, and the universe lets your heart expand that way. And I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that we all go through, you know, you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that’s how I see it, anyway.”

One of the many great quotes from my favorite movie of the now, Must Love Dogs.

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own.

~ a favorite line from the song, Chasing Cars

I saw this 19th century ocean painting on Flipboard. The color/translucence of the water is incredible.

If you’re interested in Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj’s best books, I share my opinions in this blog post. And just to confirm that I have bought the books I’m talking about, here’s a photo of them:

This weekend I read a book by a highly-revered spiritual teacher, and he said that after his enlightenment he initally tried to teach students everything, but as he got older, he felt like he should only teach to a certain point. After that, if a student was curious, he was willing to tell them anything, but he used the students’ curiosity as a way to separate those who were really interested from all others.

Back in the days when I taught Java and OOP courses, I also started by teaching everything, including Design Patterns, but then I realized that that was too overwhelming. So then I also only taught certain topics if a student asked about them (or later, if we offered an advanced course).

So, if you’re ever a student in any subject, I encourage you to ask questions. You never know what a teacher is willing to tell you, if only you’d ask. ;)

After moving back to Kentucky, I remember that the reason I moved away from here is that there isn’t anything here I want to do on my days off, in part because it’s so hot and humid, it sucks the joy out of everything. (And heat makes the MCAS worse.) That being said, I also know that some of the angst of that last sentence comes from the whole dark night of the soul thing, which is driving me insane.

(FWIW, in Alaska and Colorado, my favorite off-day activities were bike-riding and going up into the mountains for hikes.)

This image shows the symptoms of mast cell disease, such as mast cell activation syndrome. I’ve had every one of those (except for that gynecological ones). For years I just assumed that everyone went through this, and it got worse as we got older. (Turns out that’s not the case.) The image comes from The Mastocytosis Society website.

Update: I noticed that they missed a few things, including unusual/allergic reactions to medications and insect bites.

One of the stranger things about mast cell disease is that unless I wrote this here, most people would never know that July 6, 2024 was one of the most difficult days of my life to get through, one of those days where if you pass out for the final time, it would not have surprised me at all. (And then somehow you get through that and the next day you’re fortunate if you feel a little better.)

Two of the more unusual things that can happen during lucid dreams are (a) to see a bunch of friends and relatives gathering at some future party, and knowing that you are dead, and (b) seeing yourself in a dream, as if you were someone else watching you.

I have had both of those happen to me, and both are a little mind-blowing.

“It would be so fine to see your face at my door.”

~ Carole King, So Far Away

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought,
the shame,
the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ The Guest House, by Rumi