Posts in the “funny” category

Stat of the Year: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than were killed by sharks last year.

(from this twitter page)

[high school]

Teacher: Do you have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night.

(from this twitter url)

(which reminds me of,
“One time I exaggerated so much I died.”)

HER: What’s your cell plan?

ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?

HER: ... V-Verizon.

(from this twitter page)

1995: [at blockbuster] yes, please call me when the movie I want is returned

2016: [netflix won’t load] I've never endured such suffering

(from this twitter page)

Many Olympic athletes are using the ancient Chinese practice of cupping to promote healing, but the Greek team has their own technique.

(Half of my DNA comes form the Middle East, so, you know.)

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

(from this twitter page)

If you ever wondered where the end is, I can tell you that it’s in Talkeetna, Alaska.

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Opportunity.”

“Could you maybe just shoot me a text?”

(From someone on Twitter I can’t link to because their page is not PG rated.)

Kudos to whoever came up with this image. I just added the text.

I don’t know who originally created this image, but I like it.

ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs.

FRIEND: That’s not really how chronic pain works.

ME: ow owwww ...

(from this twitter page)

Mosquitoes in Alaska are so big that they’re jokingly referred to as Alaska’s “State Bird.” As a result, you want to make sure you have a good mosquito repellent up there, especially when you’re walking in the wilderness. And if you’re going to put on a repellent, why not smell good too, right?

Here’s your solution: This NPR story ranks Victoria’s Secret “Bombshell” perfume as the #6 mosquito repellent in their tests.

This headline made me think that they used to try to lure me back to work with cookies and donuts.

I found this Apollo 11 source code tweet at this url, and the bug report and 100+ comments are here on Gituhub.

— You a private eye?

That’s what the blue neon sign says out front.

— It’s argon. Neon glows orange.

Voiceover: From the start, she was trouble.

(from this twitter page)

They said “Dress for the job you want,” but how does one dress as a stay at home bartender?

(from this twitter page)

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”

“Ummm, what?”

“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

(from this twitter page)

“Turns out the border between genius and insanity is a pretty cheery place.” ~ A Paul Graham quote in the front of the book, Land of Lisp

Allison Janney and Stephen Colbert perform a dramatic reading of the song “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner:

A few funny tweets from the last 24 hours or so:

“I looked back, only to find that I’d moved on.” a glimmer

“I’ve talked the talk and walked the walk. Now I’m just gonna sit the sit if it’s all the same to you.” tony

“See if your child has learnt any swear words yet by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.” paul

“I bet sunsets are pretty romantic for people who don’t get anxiety about being on a planet that flies through space while it’s dark.” elizabeth is ruined