Posts in the “funny” category

[1st day working at the Hotel California]

Guest: I’d like to check out.

Me: Sure. You’re all set. Have a great day!

Guest: Thanks!

[Guest leaves]

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

(adapted from this tweet)

Went to hear Bach last night. Very disappointing. It was just some cover band.

(originally from someone on twitter, i think)

I don’t know the original source of this image, but I’m going to take it to my surgeon next week and see if he gets a laugh out of it.

Duck looks surprisingly calm after what appears to be a rough landing.

(Sorry, I don’t remember the original source of this photo.)

If for some reason you want a Covfefe coffee mug, here you go.

“President’s spokesman can’t speak for the President.” *sigh*

Nice slogan. :)

I’d like to meet the person who first drank milk from a cow. I’m curious about what led up to that decision.

Arthur: If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?

Ford: We’re safe.

Arthur: Oh good.

Ford: We’re in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.

Arthur: Ah, this is obviously some strange use of the word “safe” that I wasn’t previously aware of.

(From The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.)

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

(from this tweet)

I see this morning that people are referring to the proposed 2017 healthcare plan as the Republican Insurance Plan — R.I.P., for short.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.

*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

(Reminds me of a few people who have drawn my blood.)

(joke from this twitter page)

Scotch neat, please.

Umm ... this is a Starbucks.

*sigh*

Okay ... a scotch “grande.”

(from this twitter page)

A day late for Halloween, but still good for stats geeks.

Building Inspector: What do you call this place?

Darth Vader: The death—

[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]

Darth Vader: Uh ... the health star.

(from this twitter page)

All the news that’s fit to print ... and then a little more.

(Image from this Twitter page.)

On Donald Trump and his microphones. From Bill Dixon on Twitter.

God: You built a park? I asked for an ark. (From this twitter page.)

Stat of the Year: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than were killed by sharks last year.

(from this twitter page)

[high school]

Teacher: Do you have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night.

(from this twitter url)

(which reminds me of,
“One time I exaggerated so much I died.”)