Posts in the “personal” category

Some day I might write a book called, Random Conversations with Strangers While Aimlessly Wandering Around, and it will include stories like this:

Many years ago I walked into a favorite bakery in Alaska. Nobody was there, no customers or employees, so I took a few minutes to look over the cookies and donuts to decide what I wanted.

Finally a young woman came out of the back room. I knew from previous donut/cookie runs that she was born in Ohio, moved here about five years ago, was nineteen years old, and would be twenty in a few months. As she brought out a tray of something new, she said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.”

I replied it was no problem, it gave me a chance to think about what I wanted. We chatted for another minute or two and then she looked around and said, “Can I be honest with you?”

A funny moment from the tv series Life: “Did he ever have a head injury?”

A good line from a good movie.

I debated about whether or not to share this story publicly, but I think it may potentially be helpful for two groups of people, so I’m sharing it here. First:

1. For victims of parental abuse, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and that your feelings (anger, disappointment, fear, unworthiness, lack of self-confidence, etc.) are perfectly normal.
2. Second, for people who meditate, I want to let you know that both good and bad memories can pop into your mind spontaneously as your meditation practice advances.

And now for the brief story:

Everyone tells me that the cardiologist I see is the best heart doctor in Boulder, Colorado, so on Thursday we were talking and I was telling him that it looks like I was born with a rare blood disease named mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS), and said, “So maybe that fake heart attack I had last May may have been allergic angina, you know, Kounis Syndrome. If we had known about MCAS at that time I might not have needed that angiogram, yada yada yada.” Then he said, “Wait, what was the name of that disease?”

At first I was upset that he didn’t know what this was, but then I realized how rare mast cell disease is. Statistically there are only 26 other people in Colorado with this disease, and if I was still in Alaska there would only be three or four of us. (FWIW, this is the same doctor who knew what a Pheochromocytoma is, and told me to get to the Mayo Clinic asap when my bloodwork made doctors think that I had a Pheo.)

The good news is that I was able to give him all of the information I have on mast cell disease and Kounis Syndrome, so hopefully in the future he can try giving patients who present unusually some Benadryl and see if that helps. (I started to write, “Give them Benadryl instead of an angiogram,” but the stress test showed a possible dead spot in my heart, so I was getting that angiogram one way or another.)

(This image comes from the book, Never Bet Against Occam: Mast Cell Activation Disease.)

September, 2018: Before doctors figured out that I have a rare blood disease called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), I went unconscious nine times, typically vomiting while I was unconscious. The first three went like this:

• During the first event I stumbled around my apartment like I had been poisoned, splashing cold water on my face, and generally just hoping I wasn’t going to die. Despite those efforts, I went unconscious. I only knew that because I threw up on the floor while I was out.
• At the beginning of the second event where I felt like I had been poisoned I thought, “If I live through this one, I need to update my will.”
• During the third event I thought, “Apparently I’m going to die soon. I just want other people to be happy, and if I live, I want to help them however I can.”

After that, for events #4 through #9, along with four subsequent cases of allergic angina — what I call “fake heart attacks” — I had no significant thoughts in my mind, just peace.

These days when something bad happens I recall those nine syncope events and four heart/cardiac events, and know that I could have died during any of them. When I think that way, all of today’s little problems seem insignificant.

Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass is the best book I know on spirituality, and this quote was posted on his Twitter page yesterday.

“When there is no attachment to the past and no expectation of the future, there is only this moment — the eternal present, here and now.”

~ Ram Dass, in one of his best books, be love now

I’ve known about Ram Dass and his books for a long time, but I don’t think I considered his work too much until I stumbled across the book, Polishing The Mirror, which I now consider to be the best spiritual book I’ve ever read. More recently I started reading his newer book, Walking Each Other Home, and the following quote comes from that book.

~~~

There is no inherent self — we are boundless. The ego is a structure of mind that organizes the universe, particularly around the relationship to separateness. It is the steering mechanism for you as a separate entity surviving and functioning within this world, on this plane.

“As your practice proceeds you’ll be able to remain conscious as you transition from your normal waking state into the states of sleep ... once you can remain conscious like this, you’ll no longer sleep but merely pass through the night by going into deeper states of meditation.”

To those who know me that sounds like something I might write, but those words were published by Ram Dass in 1971.

This image shows a little more of his text. I deleted a few sentences that were repetitive or used obscure words.

(Update: Here’s a link to more information on Ram Dass’s best books.)

(This is a recounting of a long dream from October 1, 2016.)

We were playing at our camp when my older brother — who was standing on higher ground than I — saw something in the distance. He stood upright, then perfectly still. After a few moments he turned to me in a look of panic I had never seen before, pointed in a direction opposite from where he was looking, and screamed, “Run! Run!” I was startled at his behavior but I knew that something was very wrong, so I ran. And I ran.

I ran as fast as I could, weaving through the brush and constantly changing my course as I was chased by a white man on a dark horse. I thought I might be close to safety when I darted through some bushes, but I ran right into a creek that was too wide to jump across. As I paused for a moment to decide how to continue, the white man shot me in the back.

In intense pain and sudden shock, I stumbled forward into the creek, bent over with one hand in the creek. As I attempted to stand up and regain my balance, I was shot in the back again. This time my body flew forward towards the opposite side of the creek. I tried to control my fall but could not, and my torso slammed against the land. The right side of my face was pressed against the ground, my eyes still open. My right arm was trapped under my body, my left arm was somewhere down my left side. My legs lay in the creek’s water.

Spent the last few hours dreaming of living in a colony on the Moon. Every moment was a new experience – bad pay, canned food, watching a movie in a makeshift theater — which reminded me of the M*A*S*H movie and tv series — but also several different beings and cultures that I found fascinating. Then I suddenly had the idea for a new book that I wanted to call, “Moon’s First Murder.” I started scribbling down some notes, but knew I didn’t know enough about the cultures, so I recruited a friend to help me with that.

~ a lucid dream note from April 2, 2014

(Note: This is one of over 1,000 lucid dreams that I have had and made notes about. For some reason I have had lucid dreams (and sleep paralysis) quite often, so at some point I started making notes about the dreams.)

I fell asleep very slowly last night, so I was able to stay awake through the whole falling-asleep process, i.e., the usual sleep paralysis part. As I was still awake I started to hear the usual “here/there sucking sounds,” and just told myself that I shouldn’t be afraid, I’ve done this hundreds of times before.

And then the instant I fell asleep here I found myself in a hospital there. A doctor and nurse were looking at a bandage on the lower-right part of my abdomen, above the appendix, and closer to the center of the stomach.

As I looked at “myself,” I noted that the skin color was lighter than mine, and that my arms were smaller and skinnier, and there wasn’t much hair on the abdomen or arms. After the inspection the doctor asked if I had any questions, and I said, “Yes. Who am I? And where am I?”

I’ve probably documented over 1,000 lucid dreams in the last 20 years or so, and here’s another one from this morning. To me, the most important part about this one is the hypnopompic hallucination stuff I note at the end.

Had a long dream — approximately 2:30-4am — about “my wife” doing drugs without me knowing it.

I starts with us driving in a seedy part of town. She had mentioned that she knew someone who could get us some drugs if I/we wanted to try them. We ended up getting something that looked like a small rock or stone.

If you have ever known anyone with schizophrenia, this scene with Walter Bishop on Fringe — and the scenes leading up to it (particularly the one with Broyles) — will strike very close to home. (See Fringe, Season 4, Episode 3, for more details.)

I’m not sure how many people can understand this, but once you’ve been through nine syncope events (unconsciousness), dozens of other pre-syncope events, and four cardiac events (“fake heart attacks”, also known as allergic angina), and a five-month heart infection (pericarditis), you just accept that death is going to happen, and it’s not in your control. So, personally, I just try to be grateful, and hopefully help others along the way, because I know that my time here is limited.

October, 2016: I’m pretty new to learning that I probably have Mast Cell Activation Disease (MCAD) — also known as Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) or just mast cell disease — and as I’m learning more about it, I’ve been wondering, “What is the difference between MCAS/MCAD and histamine intolerance?” In this article I’ll share what I’ve learned so far.

(Note: I take a little time to explain mast cell activation disease in this article. If you just want a quick overview, see the Summary section below.)

If you’re looking for the Fringe episode with the song, “I’ve Seen All Good People”, by Yes, it’s the Season 2, Episode 4 episode named, “Momentum Deferred.” It’s just before the 20-minute mark of that episode. It’s the one where Walter starts playing the song, hits the table, and Peter starts putting the wires on Rebecca Kibner (Theresa Russell). “I’ve Seen All Good People” is one of my favorite songs, so it’s great to see it and other Yes songs featured on Fringe.

When I watched the movie Coffee Shop I knew that Laura Vandervoort wasn’t singing the songs in the movie — at least not live — and I assumed that the artist singing was Norah Jones, but it turns out that was wrong. The actual singer’s name is Mandi Mapes, and the two songs are called “Dance With Me” and “In Your Arms.” Videos for both of the Coffee Shop songs are shown below.

A few days ago I found this black paint that “turns any surface into a chalkboard.” I’ve been painting the backs of some cheap cabinets, whose backs are now exposed after I moved some furniture around. If you know me, you know I like to have surfaces I can write on. :)