Posts in the “personal” category

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Don’t let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

~ Irrfan Khan, 1967-2020

Mast cell disease is a blast (I say facetiously). Two days ago I bought a Chicago-style pizza, and since then I’ve had six slices of the pizza. Today, after a second glass of a “Simply Watermelon” drink, I decided to take a break from work. I had been sitting behind the computer and knew I was feeling drowsy, but when I tried to stand up I realized just how bad things were. As I tried to stand up my legs starting shaking as if I barely had enough muscular strength to stand. In fact, I didn’t, so I crawled to the bathroom to take my mast cell “rescue” drugs.

For some reason other people with mast cell disease get itchy and have hives as their first reaction, but my body’s first reaction is often syncopy and pre-syncope — passing out. After I took the rescue drugs I laid down for a while, and eventually felt much better when they kicked in.

Though it might not be wise
I’d still have to try
With all the love I have inside
I can’t deny

I just can’t let it die
’Cause her heart’s just like mine
She holds her pain inside

So if you ask me why
She wouldn’t say goodbye
I know somewhere inside

There is a special light
Still shining bright
And even on the darkest night
She can’t deny

So if she’s somewhere near me
I hope to God she hears me
There’s no one else
Could ever make me feel
I’m so alive

I hoped she’d never leave me
Please God you must believe me
I’ve searched the universe
And found myself
Within her eyes

~ This I Love, Guns N’ Roses

(This is an underrated song from the Chinese Democracy album, though I must say, if you really listen to it, you might end up depressed for about a week.)

Back in 2016 I heard that Paxton Lynch scored 18 on his Wonderlic test, so I took a short version of the test, just ten questions. (I’ve only had nine hours of sleep the last two nights, that’s all I’ve got.) Without any practice or even knowing what to expect, I scored a 70 (woo-hoo).

I might have done better, but I ran out of time and didn’t get to the last two questions because I didn’t initially know that there was a time limit on the test. I’d like to think I would have done better when I was 22 years old because a lot of questions seem geared to people who have just studied specific things in high school and college.

How to stop time, travel in time, escape time ... the image is from this Pinterest page.

Despite all the bending, stretching, balancing, and breathing exercises, it turns out that the most difficult yoga asana is “letting go.”

The quote in the image comes from this story on the kwanumzen.org website.

My mom is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, and she can also be funny at times.

Her memory is a little worse now, but a couple of years ago she was in a wheelchair and I went over to hug her. When I did, I accidentally kicked her foot with my foot.

I said, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

She replied, “Don’t worry, I won’t remember it.”

#dementia

If you like sappy love stories, Cousins is an underrated movie. Released in 1989, Ted Danson’s wife (Sean Young) and Isabella Rossellini’s husband (William Petersen) have an affair, which sparks a special friendship between Danson and Rossellini.

I was just reminded of a line from the movie that goes something like, “Don’t you know? Men and women who are married can only be close friends in large groups.”

I don’t know the original source of this image, but it reminds me of Easter colors and vice-versa.

Way back in 2015 when I was going through the worst of the MCAS problems, I was getting incredibly painful headaches and had all sorts of brain-related problems, including shaking, an inability to hold things without dropping them, brain fog, etc. This MRI image showed the problem: There was a screaming moth in my brain. :) It reminds me of The Mothman Prophecies.

If you like Sherlock Holmes, in my opinion the Jeremy Brett version is far and away the best. Amazon has this DVD box set for about $31, and this Complete Granada TV Series for about $113.

A couple of stories are bouncing around in my head, so I thought I’d write them down to get them out of there.

In story #1, I was meditating a few nights ago when “Boom!” I was standing in the house I grew up in. I always wanted to go back there to see what it was like with an older set of eyes, so I took my time in walking around, looking at and touching everything. Eventually I walked downstairs, and when I got there a young version of my mom came out of her bedroom and seem concerned about something. Then she looked at me and said, “Money is important, isn’t it?” I replied, “I suppose so,” and then she kept walking around with that concerned look, and then the scene ended just as fast as it began and I was back in the darkness of meditation.

In story #2, my family was at O’Hare Airport in Chicago, and I probably wasn’t a teenager yet, maybe thirteen years old at the most. I think I went to get a drink of water, and when I turned around an older hippie girl was standing there. She leaned down and pinned a little fake red flower on my shirt and said something spiritual, which I thought was cool. Then she asked if could give her some money. I didn’t have any money, and when I told her that, she ripped the flower off my shirt and stomped away much less peacefully. I remember thinking that her behavior wasn’t correct, and I suspect that incident made me mistrust religious people for quite some time.

(From a Facebook post from May, 2018.)

I can’t sleep tonight, so I’ll tell a story. I think I was 18 when this happened, maybe 19.

I ask my dad to let me borrow his car, he says yes, and I drive to a party with a friend of mine. The party is fun until my friend gets in a fight, punches his hand through a window, and cuts a big gash in his forearm. At one point I see his forearm and there’s a chunk of it that’s completely gone, and I can see the bone in his arm; it’s pretty bad.

A series of recent emails has me thinking about “life-changing events.” These are events where your life is clearly headed down one path, and then perhaps in an instant it’s no longer on that same path.

For me there is just one “major” event, which happened when I was a teenager. I’ll call this a Level 1 event. After that there are a series of other important events that are all at a similar level of importance (Level 2), but they are not as direction-altering as the Level 1 event(s).

It's been an interesting thought process. There are at least two moments that didn’t seem too important at the time, but when I look back at those events years later I can see how they changed my direction.

I call this one, “Up With the Sun, Gone With the Wind.”

(April 13, 2017)

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

~ Albert Einstein

“The mind can proceed only so far upon what it knows and can prove. There comes a point where the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge, but can never prove how it got there. All great discoveries have involved such a leap.”

~ Albert Einstein

Five years ago today the best dog ever passed away.

~ August 21, 2015

In gratitude,
You have watered seeds of love in me.

In gratitude,
I will water seeds of love in someone too.

~ from a song by Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village,
dedicated to all who have helped me, especially Zeus

I’ll confess this
You’re my tragedy
I paid you to rest
Just as fast as you turned on me
Gone forever
Vanish the memories
This face of pleasure
Is masked by your misery

Straight out of line
I can’t find a reason
Why I should justify my ways
Straight out of line
I don’t need a reason
You don’t need to lie to me
Lie to me

~ some Straight Out of Line lyrics, by Godsmack