I have this “Doorbell broken, yell ‘Ding dong’ really loud” doormat. My neighbors seem to enjoy it.
“A month ago I went on a juice cleanse. You know what it cleans out of you best? The will to live.”
Um, I’m pretty sure he plays tight end ...
“What if I never find out who’s a good boy?”
[1st day working at the Hotel California]
Guest: I’d like to check out.
Me: Sure. You’re all set. Have a great day!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Went to hear Bach last night. Very disappointing. It was just some cover band.
“Don’t worry, it’s just marketers collecting our personal data so they can create more relevant advertising for us.”
Duck looks surprisingly calm after what appears to be a rough landing.
Eddie: How’s it going, man?
Tito: I’m okay.
Eddie: Yeah? Sure? ‘Cause you look like you got a little hitch in your giddyup.
From the movie, The Heartbreak Kid
(A friend said a similar thing to me recently.)
Some people in Colorado crack me up. A recent conversation:
Me: Yada yada yada, I have an autoimmune disease.
Other: You should try marijuana.